Deeply sunken own bottom manages my whole life. 

But what nobody is interested in me is not that so painful matter to me.  

Because I am on bottom, what I can see and exactly watch is so treasured assets to me.  

Poverty and no spotlighted reality at least to me are very easy to spend day by day.   

Desire to crawl up to shiny stage is just ephemeral illusion, but having it does never cost anything.  

But more than being evaluated by no other one, rather never having any honor to me mentally is more shameful, shameless.  

Having certain mind at doing not that shamed thing is anyway so vital to me.  

No other one can have despising idea to me, even if nobody is interested in me.

Only no pretending honest mind is strongly yell to all the universe. The idea is not vanity, rather starving my own wish to divinity.

The stage on which the one who wants only prestige to the oneself who can have a pride not to do any shameful matter to universe is my the last goal.

Otherwise, that one could go away from me, according to wishing so strongly, but if the matter will be so really true, another wish and goal might have been prepared for me.

To some normalized extent, I wanna wish maximally nor minimally, more vital thing for me than wishing must be somewhere, it could be found on my own situation.

But it must be faded away from me, if I desperately try to catch up with.  

Never mind, I anyway call my mind to tell my idea now I have.

（Irregularly continued)

Dec. 17th.  2023