Church's cross seen in landscape from sightseeing visitors bus made me associate some crossfire at middle ages. But these days are to some association extent, obviously identified with middle ages nature.  

Individually insane minded time must make us own nightmare and obsession around being devastated into hell whirlpool, but after regaining own ordinary sane consciousness, any social, global insane nature is visibly recognized in mind and brain association.

Any landscape seen in my heart and mind can recognize all those appearing nature is definitely some artificial concoction, rather true essence was diffusing away fro all aspects, that detached idea is managing my mind at occasion. 

Once minced and completely smashed into so small tip as my mind ordinarily sensing my idea is never immediately regained nor recovering, rather moreover the worn and slipped exhaustion acknowledgement in my mind strengthened so much, and my mind loses any future hopefully facing own stance and posture, nevertheless, at those wearisomeness and very empty feeling rather cheers my next emotion folded with former emotion just in exhaustion. Yes, once losing any wishful hope, rather easy feeling was getting drifting and gradually to that sustenance, I could get feel more pleasantly funny and easily amusing, that very contradictory condition gradually is made in my mind, and to it, not that worse, that impression and interpretation were coming to my mind, so unexpectedly. 

Completely losing ascertained own direction as heading angle and destination are never so peccimistically regarded at least at that minded me, yes, that very paradoxical ambivalent minded state surely dominates me for these days own life stance continuation in dutiful mind, yes, that obligatory idea is not that smart, afterward my idea after all reached to that own conclusion. 

In rather very confidently self belief and exact correctness no doubt term, my mind and my future intended ideas and own stance rather could be smothered and bound by formalized own inhumane mind and strictly intlerant minded so negatively my mind, brain and heart absorb those factors unnaturally at no obvious reason. 

Though more than continuously believing my correctness, rather awakening to some own contradictory my own ideas deadlocked situation is so productive and very useful at understanding these days my own not biased true watch to my idea and my immanent conceiving mind. 

Though, occasionally never doubting anything around myself surely necessary, but at the same time, only that confident ideas are running for so long period is not that creatively smart thing at least to me, already not that younger generation one as me. 

After all, knowing that myself thing is very imperfect, very incomplete is not that negatively regarded, far from it, that own skeptically cynical idea is not that bad, far from it, very usefully adoptable at least at my own introspective minded occasion. 

(Irregularly continued)

Dec. 20th.     3023